"I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies." John 11:25
So those of you who know me, know that my mother passed away when I was 18. Those of you who didn't know this, well, now you do. It is three years since her passing as of April 21st. This experience has been quite the emotional roller coaster. I think that it is about time I wrote about it. I have been going back & forth, trying to figure out how I want to go about this. If I should tell the whole story beginning to end, details and all, or if I should just tell you bits & pieces. I have decided to put this experience in the form of a letter, written to my mother. I feel like it will be a bit easier to go with the flow of my feelings, and to really be able to drive home the points that I'm trying to make. So. Here it goes..
Dear Mother,
We as a family have recently celebrated your third anniversary into heaven. We couldn't be happier for you, mom! I can just see the smile beaming on your face as you converse with God and all the other new friends you've made up there. It's such an incredible image. However I must say, mom. You have put us through quite an emotional ride with you deciding to leave us so suddenly. We have had a lot of hard times. Having to go to my senior prom without seeing your eyes well up with tears because you thought I looked so beautiful. Along with that, graduating high school without being able to see you sobbing in your seat, because you were just so proud of me. I had to do all of these remarkable things without you, and for such an incredibly long time I resented you for that. But now, I am at peace. I know full well that you won't be there on my wedding day, attempting to calm me down before I walked down the aisle while you're just as much a wreck as I am. I know that you won't be there when I have my children, and I know they will never get the privilege of knowing their grandma Eunice in this life. All these things and more make every day a struggle, but the most reassuring thing is that you are so much better off where you are now. & I will get to see you again. I suppose I should start you off with a family update. Chris is 23 now and doing so well. He finally has a steady income, he started coaching grade school basketball as a part time job. He's almost done with school, one more year. He's had a hard time without you, mom. I know he has. He doesn't talk about it much but I don't blame him. He tries to remain strong for the rest of us. You'd be so proud of him. He plays the role of older brother almost impeccably. Allison is 16 now. A senior already. None of my friends can believe it, I can't even believe it. She's grown up so much. She's gone through a lot to get here though. She's had her heart broken, she's lost friends, she's struggled in school. It's been tough for her. I wish more than anything that she had you to help her through it all. I did what I could though, and still do. I always will mom, I promise. I hold her when she cries, I talk to her when she needs, I even attempt to help her with her homework every now and then. She had her first prom this year. Wow, she looked incredible. I wish I could've seen your face. I bet your jaw dropped and you got all emotional. I definitely got that trait from you. I feel as though every time there's some type of special event I find myself crying, for whatever reason it may be. If it's a band concert I'm crying because the music is too breathtaking. If it's a graduation service I'm crying because I see all the parents around me crying because they're so proud of their kids and that just never fails to warm my heart. Every time I feel a tear I almost laugh because I know it's exactly how you would be. I'm getting off topic a bit, my apologies. Conner is 14 and he's going to be a freshman. That one is the hardest to wrap my head around. Last time you saw him here on earth he was a little 6th grader. He's so big now! I wish I could see your reaction on his first day of high school. Making him stand by the front door and take a picture. Watching his first football game and taking a million pictures. Standing by the fence making sure you got the perfect angle because you have to make sure that you get his jersey number in there. Finally, dad. Dad is doing so well. He is so happy, mom. He has a new girlfriend, and man he really cares about her. He was so broken without you at first. Nobody can ever replace you, mom. I know you know that. & so do all of us. But his faith has remained so incredibly strong and has inspired all the rest of us. He still has bad days of course, but he always turns to God. It's so amazing having a dad like that. It gives me so much hope & happiness. I miss you every single day mom. I think about you every other minute. Every little thing reminds me of you. I struggle because I know you're with me so I shouldn't be sad but I just wish I could see you. Touch you. Hug you. I have so many wonderful memories I wish I could relive them with you in the flesh. You're in my dreams a lot. I don't know if that's on purpose, or if you even knew that, (I'm not sure how it works up there yet.) but you are. Comforting me. Telling me to stay strong even when it gets tough. I always wake up crying but they're usually happy tears. Happy that I haven't forgotten the sound of your laugh, or the bouncy curls that you pulled off so well, or how well kept your nails always were, but your toe nails were another story. All of these things I do wish I could see just one more time, but I know I won't in this life. I have come to accept this. However I wasn't always like this. As I mentioned above I used to resent you. I used to have a really hard time wrapping my head around this whole thing. The first year that you were gone I could hardly even look at my family, let alone be at home, like ever. I really must admit I was not a good daughter and sister for quite some time. I went through a phase my freshman year of college that I would like to take back, however it has made me who I am today, so I suppose it's good that I can't. During this period my sister tried her hardest to be in my life but I consistently pushed her away. I wasn't there for her much, even when she needed me. I made a lot of excuses as to why I wouldn't be home that night and why we couldn't get coffee that weekend. Your parents (my grandparents) would call and I would rarely if ever return their calls because the sound of grandpa's laugh was all too similar to yours. I was in so much pain, but they were too. I was very selfish. I partied a lot. I tried to hide it, but I didn't do a good job. The family stopped asking if I was coming home for supper because they knew I would never show up. I struggled in school more than I would like to admit. I really resented you, mom. For a really long time. All I thought every day was why were you in such a hurry? Why did you have to go grocery shopping that night when you could've gone any other day that week? I was angry. So very angry. I was in such a dark place. When I say dark, I mean that. I couldn't see my grieving family right in front of me. I was so ignorant and ungrateful for all the blessings I had in my life. But that was then. That was two years ago. The things that used to hurt me now bring me happiness. I hear grandpa's laugh and it now makes me smile instead of cringe. I think about that day and instead of resenting you, I think about how blessed you are to be with God already. That's such a crazy thing to think about. That you're with him right now. Watching me type this. Being at his right hand. Watching over me every single day. Yes, things are going much better now. I now have a wonderful, loving boyfriend, who I absolutely adore. That I know without a doubt you would get along with so well. (you have the same sense of humor. He loves his corny jokes.) Him & his family are by far some of the greatest people God has blessed me with here on earth. I am now closer to our family then I ever was before, including when you were still with us. Allison has become my best friend, Chris has become somebody that I truly look up too, I even learn a thing or two from Conner sometimes. I see a lot of you in him, honestly. He's such a happy kid but man does he get angry. Also I think I hear your laugh come out of him sometimes. & dad, somebody that I have always respected but I never really understood why until now. It took a lot of time & talking (which you know neither one of us are very good at) but we are finally at a beneficial place. He has become somebody I can talk too. Somebody who goes out of their way to share God's Word with me, & who makes a noticeable effort to stay involved in my life. I cannot express the joy it gives me. I suppose that the point I'm trying to make for you is that we are not broken. We didn't become this pitiful, broken family, unable to function without you. It took a lot of time, but we found a way to make it work. We haven't let the tragedy that was losing you define us. We miss you every day, but we're all good. Knowing that the day can't come soon enough when we will finally get the pleasure of being with you again. But until then, just know we're doing fine.
To you, with love,
Miriam
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