In today's blog post, I would like to tell you all a story. I would like to tell you about something that has made a major impact on my everyday life for the past 3 years. Today, I would like to talk about body shaming. Specifically, thin shaming. I decided to write about this not for the attention, as some of you may assume, but rather I know I'm not the only one who has suffered. I want to write about this to assure those who can relate, that you are so far from alone.
My story is tough to retell, because every time I do I find myself getting more & more angry. As I sit here trying to type it out I am realizing it's just not a good idea to tell it in full, so I will only highlight certain parts. but I'm hoping writing it all down will help me find some type of closure or something. I don't know. Let's just go with it and see what happens.
My entire life I have been a very thin, very active person. I had been in three sports my whole life until high school ended, and then I still played basketball for a semester. Ya know how some kids had that super awkward chubby phase? Yeah, I never had that. I've always been a stick. My parents as kids had very fast working metabolisms, or so I heard, and so it has always ran in my family. I'm a skinny girl, along with my sister. My brothers are both very thin dudes. Specifically my older brother & I could, "eat anything we wanted and not gain an ounce." I suppose I could be considered naïve, but I always found this as a compliment. I mean, it was true. I love me a good Big Mac and fries on occasion, and it's always been great being able to consume that and not gain any weight. So I would embrace it. I would laugh along at family reunions and eat my heart out at the dinner table. I have always taken good care of my body. My college drinking phase lasted about a year but has now become a casual, one or two times a month. Every check up I've ever had the doctor has never brought up my weight as a concern. I always thought it was pretty simple. Eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full. (or REALLY full if it's grandma's cooking) But then about two and half, three years ago there was a lot of talk, specifically about me, having a sort of weight problem. Not ever amongst my family, just among some peers. These people never meant it to harm me, or make me feel bad, (at least some of them) but eventually word got around to a lot of different people, and suddenly I was getting messages from people I didn't know well at all asking if I needed any help. If I was feeling okay. I would always respond with, "I mean, I feel fine... but thanks!" I guess I wasn't sure what to say. "Yes I eat, yes I'm healthy, no I don't starve myself ?????" The people I was closest to were getting messages asking about me. Most said, "I'm worried about Miriam." or, "I think she has a problem." a problem. That's what I think bothered me the most. People thought I had a problem. I have had many, many "problems" in my life, and eating has never been one of them, and if these people knew me they would realize this. (Referencing back to the Big Mac & fries!!!) My loved ones responded with, "I spend a lot of time with her, I have never noticed a problem with her eating." or something to that effect. I honestly don't think it was ever meant to cause a big commotion but eventually it did. (which emphasizes the impact that oh so reliable "he said, she said" talk can really have on a story) I realized how large of an uproar it had actually become when my friend from a very small town in Minnesota came to visit. We sat down for coffee and eventually it was brought up. Even she had heard talk about it. It truly seemed as though this had become a common topic of discussion amongst the people in my town. "I heard Miriam has an eating problem." "Have you seen her? She's so tiny." All things people had said they overheard. This, my fellow readers, is what we would refer to as, 'a rumor.' It felt as though me being skinny was suddenly a big shock to everyone. My body type hadn't changed once in 20 years and then one day people decided it was an issue. That my body was a problem that needed to be fixed. Needless to say all of this eventually began to wear me down. As time progressed I noticed myself becoming very paranoid. Like everyone was watching me. I started to notice the scoffing from others who were heavier than me, the, "so when do you ever eat?" comments from coworkers. Which slowly led me to become extremely conscious of what I was eating in front of people, if I had enough on my plate to satisfy the people surrounding me tossing me side glances. I didn't want to go to the beach with anyone but my boyfriend and my sister, & even then I didn't want to sit near anyone for the sole possibility of someone rolling their eyes and looking with disgust at my flat stomach. My brain had slowly warped itself into thinking I really did have a problem. That there was something wrong with me, I just had never realized it. I remember it was my best friend's birthday and we all went to get dinner together. Prior to the reservations we went to a nearby park to take some pictures (I know, typical.) I posted one on Instagram later that night and ended up deleting it a couple days later because I thought my arm looked too skinny. Guess what? My arm looked fine. I look at that photo now and wonder what the heck I saw. At the time, that was what my life had become. Overanalyzing virtually everything I ate, wore, posted, and even said. I remember another time, this was a little bit later, after most of it had blown over, I was at my sister's softball game and one of the dads who I had known since I was in high school approached me and as we were catching up he says, "you look thinner than in high school," (this being because I lost virtually all my muscle from the sports I used to play,) "you look really good." and instead of smiling and accepting the obvious compliment he had given me, I stared at the ground and mumbled, "oh yeah... thanks." the rest of the night was followed by reliving everything I had gone through months prior. Why couldn't I just get over it? They're all just jealous, right? Who knows. I was a mess. And what made it even more frustrating was the fact that I had NEVER felt like this once before. Never had I looked in the mirror and hated the body that looked back at me. I always felt confident in what I wore and what I ate, yet it had turned into looking in the mirror and thinking, 'okay so let's wear something baggy so that nobody points out my tiny waste, I'm going to have to consume A LOT of food tonight so that I don't get any weird looks. I can't have people thinking I'm not eating enough.' Seriously, what kind of life is that? That is so horrible thinking back and realizing how terrible it was for me to feel that way. My life had done a total 180 and I had no idea what to do. I found myself constantly asking family members and Mitchell if they really meant it when they said, "oh my goodness for the hundredth time you look fine..." I was searching for validation everywhere. Social media, friends, family, google (because what doesn't google have an answer too?) and finding zero answers. If I personally knew I was fine why couldn't I just be okay with that? Why did I have to try to convince everyone else? Why couldn't I just go back to my old mindset?
Well, I guess you can probably guess who comes into play next. I really am not sure why it took me as long as it did to turn to God during this time. I had still been regularly going to church, but for some reason I wasn't putting together that uh hello, God wants to help you when you're going through things like this, and when I finally did everything fell into place. I spent months crying, wondering why, when the answers were right in front of me the whole time. On my bookshelf in the top right hand corner to be exact. Below are the three Bible passages that specifically gave me strength during this time.
"You are altogether beautiful, my love. There is no flaw in you." Song of Songs 4:7 // this reminded me oh so eloquently to continue to love myself, because in God's eyes, I am perfect. So why shouldn't I feel the same?
"But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you." Luke 6:37 // you may be wondering what this had to do with my situation. These words reminded me to forgive. I still find myself getting angry about the situation, along with some of the people who inquired about it. Hearing directly from me that I felt fine but then still buzzing around asking other people about it. These words helped me remember to love everyone. Even those who may have hurt you.
"I praise you because I am fearfully & wonderfully made." Psalm 139:14 // finally, this passage reminded me to not fret about the world around me. I know I was made in God's image, I know I take care of the body God has given to me, so letting others take control of that and accuse me otherwise is not something I wanted to continue to allow. One way or another I had to learn to love myself again.
So as time went on... and on... and on, I finally found myself feeling better. I wanna say the whole thing was over within a few months. 4 or 5 maybe, but it took me over a year to recover, and if I'm being honest, I'm still not over it. A second reason I even decided to write this blog post was because it was recently brought up again in a conversation with one of my friends. After the discussion had moved on I found myself feeling really worked up and much more quiet then I had been prior to the topic. I went home that night still feeling anxious about it, and a little bit angry. Man, I hate being angry. It just really sucks the life out of you. Like, if you went a whole day being angry, and a whole day being happy, I guarantee you'll be more exhausted after a day of being angry. I was only upset for a couple of hours and I felt so incredibly drained. I prayed a lot that night and felt better before falling asleep, (because you should never go to bed upset. Look up Ephesians 4:26 🙂) but the whole thing made me realize, because of the simple fact that this world is so imperfect, things like this take a very, very long time to get better. What happened 3 years ago I feel is unfortunately always going to effect me. I will never feel 100% confident when I leave the house. I will never be able to confidently wear a swimsuit without thinking I'm being silently judged. But that's life, and that's how the world is. The evil & sin in this world makes it really hard to be happy, be confident, and be content, but you can attain it through Christ, & that's a point I want to stress to you incredible people.
So, gonna try to wrap this up here. Skinny people, you are beautiful, you are wonderful, and in God's eyes, perfect. You have what most of society wants and instead of tossing you a compliment they're gonna toss you the classic, "eat a cheeseburger" (which I don't know about the rest of you, but I've already had 4 this week... and I'm not joking.) the average weight of a 5'5 female is between 113-137 pounds. Well. This lil lady is 5'5 and a solid 120 pounds and I feel GREAT.
Those of you who are a little heavier than you would like, THAT IS OKAY. You are also beautiful, and wonderful, and in God's eyes, perfect. Accept your body & who you are! Fearfully & wonderfully made, remember? As long as you are taking care of your body and you feel good, that's all that truly matters, despite what the world tries to tell you.
To those who find themselves talking about the weight of others, please, I beg you to stop. You honestly will never realize the impact and toll it takes on them. Just love yourselves, and each other. I sound like a hippy, okay. I mean every word though. Stopping rumors like that from spreading can help save a person's reputation, image, and in extreme cases, their life. Even if what you're saying does happen to be true, what are you gaining from discussing it among your peers? It's definitely NOT cool, and to be completely frank, just mind your own business.
Alright people, I think that's all I have. Thank you for your time, and I really hope you were able to gain something from this.
That's all I have for now :-)
Sincerely, Mir 🌻
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