Last time we chatted, I was telling you all about how much of a struggle pregnancy was. Today-- I will be sharing with you how motherhood has turned me into an entirely different person, in the best possible way.
We had Asher at 1:31am on July 13th. Immediately I felt this rush of emotion. I was sobbing, and sobbing, then I would gain my composure, look at Mitchell, then start sobbing again. I did it. I actually did it. The birth of my dreams. Over as quickly as it started. I couldn't believe what I had just done. As the midwife and her assistant stitched me up I kept glancing over at Mitchell, holding our beautiful son, and I knew my life would never be the same.
The midwife, their assistant, and my doula all left around 5am. They packed up and said, “we’ll let you three get some rest.” Mitchell and I responded with a polite, “thank you” and proceeded to curl up in bed. At least-- that's what we planned to do. Within minutes, Asher was wailing. Mitchell and I looked at each other like, ’what the heck do we do?’ Thankfully—parental instinct is a legitimate thing. We took turns shushing and lulling him back to sleep. We were still in complete & utter shock, to be frank. He was so little. What felt like a piece of fine China in our hands. We laid him down in the bassinet and somehow he ended up on his stomach??? We looked at each other with the same thought going through our heads, ‘I don’t think that’s allowed...’ so, we kept trying. He didn’t fall into a solid sleep until around 6, and we were finally able to sleep for about three hours. Later that day Mitchell’s mother came over and watched him so we could sleep some more. Asher was eating well, sleeping well, the whole bit. Breastfeeding was a bit of a struggle at first but we stuck with it and I’m so glad we did! In the moment I was so over the pain and the toe curling, yet I couldn't shake the feeling in the back of my mind that was mad at myself. I had a completely natural labor and birth and I couldn’t handle some nipple pain? Get real—I got this. & i did. Again—so proud of myself. All that being said, the first three weeks were an absolute dream. Mitchell had off from his job, so the three of us just spent days upon days snuggling in bed, getting to know our little guy. It was the most blissful time imaginable. We had Mitchell's mother coming by a couple times a week to make us supper, clean a little bit, watch Asher so we could sleep... life was good. Life was really good.
There was a bit of tension between Mitchell & I when he finally went back to work. A lot of mindless bickering, things like that—but that’s a post for another day. I started to go a little stir crazy by the time I was about to go back to work, so that timed out nicely. Those of you who know me, know that I love dressing up & looking nice. Being home alone with a baby made that a little difficult no doubt! So once I went back to work, I really seemed to find my rhythm. I only work for four hours a day, just enough time to miss Asher like crazy. Going home is the sweetest thing, thinking the entire drive home about the bonding we'll be able to do the rest of the night. It really has turned into being the best of both worlds.
To be a little cheesy here, motherhood is something I could have never imagined. You know how people tell you over and over how great it is to be a mom-- but at the same time they say things like, wait till you never sleep again. Or, say goodbye to your alone time. That of course, never sounded appealing to me. Even when people would phrase it in a positive way, I still wasn't feeling it. I liked my sleep, I loved my alone time. Having a kid would take all that away. I wasn't ready to give that up yet. Well three months later I can confidently say that the sleepless nights and the lack of alone time is so incredibly worth it. I'm not going to tell you that it's never challenging, or that your patience will never be tested, because that would be a lie---but I WILL tell you that it's so worth it you don't even realize how fast time is going, and how tired you actually are, and seconds after you lose your temper you look at the perfect little bundle and wonder why you were even mad in the first place. Motherhood has unlocked a beautiful amount of love and possibilities that I never knew existed. I wake up every day on this cloud, and I find myself smiling as soon as I open my eyes. I'm more exhausted than I ever have been but I've also never been happier. I catch myself staring at him even when I'm attempting to watch a TV show. I watch his eyes light up when I walk through the door after work (at THREE MONTHS!!!). I love having him fall asleep in my arms, or fall asleep nursing. I love when his little eyes open after a nap and he smiles big at me. I love watching his eyes wander from one object to the next. I love when he grabs my fingers and studies every detail. Watching him learn and process things is so beautiful. I could just go on and on about how surreal this whole experience is, but I'm hoping that you get the picture. I can't even put into words the love I feel. The love I didn't even know I could give.
At my mother’s funeral, so many people came up to me saying how proud she was of us. Friend after friend of my mom's saying the same thing, "your mom was just so proud of you guys. She talked about you all the time." Obviously hearing something like this made me feel good, but to be honest, it confused me. I was a very “average child”. I was an average student, with average grades. I was okay, but not great, at sports. I was okay, but not great, at singing. I'm not being harsh on myself, I'm just being honest. I'm okay with how I was back then. I didn't know what passions were, I didn't excel at much. I was just really lost in myself. Things have changed a lot since that time of my life---but circling back to the pride concept, I never understood why; but having my own child, I understand it now. Every single thing Asher does, I beam with pride. No matter what it is, and no matter how many times he does it. Rolls over for the hundredth time? "I'm so proud of you!" sleeps for 4 straight hours over night? "WOW you're such a good boy!" you get the idea. It really just consumes you!
Overall, I have blossomed into the best possible version of myself throughout this entire experience, and honestly it's hard to wrap my head around. Finding the words to express myself has always been something that's come easily to me, but motherhood is one of the first and only things that has left me speechless. I have become more confident in myself, I've become more outspoken, I've become more educated on the world around me. My insight is at an all time high. Thinking critically, questioning things, learning new things everyday. Things I know I would have never even thought about questioning before I became a mother. & I really need to say--- I. Am. HAPPY. I am so happy! It's like having Asher has reminded me what is truly important in this life. God, my family, a few friends. I'm done people pleasing, I'm done trying to tend to everyone else's needs. Any bitterness or resentment I had felt towards anyone in my past is completely dissipated. I'm focusing on God. I'm working on raising my son to the best of my ability. I am working on being a better wife, a better friend, a better daughter, a better sibling. & it feels like I actually KNOW how to excel at these things. Like my entire world just clicked when I laid eyes on Asher.
So---to wrap this up. If you are a new mom, and you just don't feel ready. You feel scared. You feel like your world just turned upside down in a not so good way. I can tell you I have absolutely been there, and it really isn't fun---but I can also tell you, it gets better. & I don't mean it just passes. I mean you grow out of the funk and you transform into something better. Someone stronger, more resilient, more confident, and it is such a beautiful, life changing thing.
Sincerely, Mir